Alright, let's do this by the book. Nyles, what's our first contact protocol?
We haven't developed a first contact protocol, we've never encountered aliens before.
Well when the hell are we supposed to develop it, after the first encounter?
Well, actually, yes, the point of a first contact protocol is to encounter aliens enough times where you've developed a standard procedure when you meet a new race. What we need here is a first first contact protocol.
Yes! A first first contact protocol!... Beep, Lindsy, run a search see if anyone's written a first first contact protocol, beep.
A first first contact protocol? Beep.
Yes, a first first contact protocol. Surely some Roswell nut scribbled something on a napkin and mailed it to the pentagon. Beep.
Searching.... no, nothing. Beep.
Pst, Bob, why are they actually saying--
Alright thank you, Lindsy. Beep.
Why don't we just write a first first contact protocol?
But we don't have time. We don't know if they're hostile. They could be preparing to attack the complex right now. We have to act fast.
Maybe we should ask the aliens what the standard procedure is."
No, we have to face the possibility that this is their first contact too. And besides, we can't just walk up to them, since they might be hostile. They might do something terrible to us like tear our pulsating entrails out of our chests with vicious thrusting tenticles, and stuff our hollow torsos full of cheap store-brand cottage cheese then bury our bodies with Britney Spears or 50-Cent CDs--
Pst, Bob, since when are CDs fifty cents on Earth?
No, he's an artist.
Is he any good?
I'll tell you later. Shh, let's listen to this.
Just shut up.
Penny for your thoughts on 50-Cent.
Jeff, were the last ten lines contrived just to deliver that line?
More like the whole frwoa.
What a frangle.
Who the hell--
Look, you can't give a penny for my two cents on 50-Cent now, we're at a meeting about an alien invasion if you haven't noticed.
Wouldn't he be 47-Cent then?
Hey, that's like a penny a blowj--
If you quote Clerks one more time today I'm going to castrate you. Besides, it's 37, not 47. Do we have to watch Clerks 47 times before you memorize a two digit permutation of ten digits?
No, it's not 47-Cent, because it's one penny in exchange for two, all three of which come from our own pockets and have nothing to do with 50-Cent whatsoever.
If you two are going to exchange a penny for two, why don't you simply give him a penny?
They're just metaphors, Bob.
But what are they for?
It's like metaphysics.
For metaphysics... and for Narnia! Cue clueless, utterly battle-inexperienced toddler leading a well trained army into slaughter on a ditsy unicorn.
All these puns and allusions are driving me to castrate myself.
Would you guys shut up? There's an alien invasion going on if you haven't noticed.
We're so awkwardly removed from the conversation by this point I don't think there's any jumping back in.
Look, I'll give you a whole freaking quarter to shut up.
That would only buy half a 50 cent CD.
Bob, It's just his name. It's not actually--
No, I meant a discounted used CD, like at Newbury Comics.
What about a discounted 50-Cent CD?
That would be anything under 50 cents, right?
Like 47? A penny a blowj--
That's it. I'm getting out my pocketknife.
Hey, could I borrow that when you're done?
--so our eternal souls will be forever haunted by the melody to "Oops I Did It Again..."
Pst, Bob, did he just pick up right where he left off?
I think we hit a level three temporal anomaly.
Oops... I hit the level three temporal anomaly button again by mistake.
What's that screaming, is someone being castrated?
Why would you immediately equate screaming with castration?
Well, it just sort of sounds... nevermind. Hey, is that someone else screaming?
Or they could anally probe us.
Yes, or that. Though that's probably too cliche for real life.
Pst, Bob, what does he mean by 'real life'?
I thought this was a compsci major's ongoing nightmare turned bad skit turned bad selling humor book re-turned bestselling audio skit saga. Not real life.
Well, it depends on your xangle.
What's a xangle?
For the love of God would someone get that entire exchange student group of monks named Bob out of here.
Sorry, sir. Alright, listen up, you guys have to come with me. I need to see your IDs and giraffapassports.
Well, if they're invading, what are they waiting for?
Maybe they're trying to figure out whether they have a first invasion protocol.
They probably don't if this is their first invasion. Why don't we write one for them, so we can make sure they don't kill us all?
Yes, and include a part where they teach us all their technology.
And feed us mutant roaches!
I hope they have robotic kittens.
People. We still don't know if they're hostile or not. We have no idea what to expect from them. And in the name of the holy ghost why are there two sets of balls are on the conference table?
Crap! What the-- how did matter on our side cross over to-- wait a sec...
I think this room doubles as a pool hall in the summer.
A hall is a really awkward place to swim.
I think it's mainly for laps, Dan.
No, just laps.
Oh, that explains the balls.
Screw the balls, that exlpains everything...
Wait, if these aliens were to go away and come back, we would need a second contact protocol for that, right?
Uh, yes. A first second contact protocol, to be specific.
And the problem here is we don't have any time to write a first first contact protocol before taking action.
What are you getting at?
Well, if we can just scare away the aliens long enough to buy the time to write a first second contact protocol, then we'll know exactly what to do once they get back.
That's a possibility.
Bob, why do balls explain everything?
Look, from a spherical perspective, the seven foci are seven Kroffonian orbs, right? Like balls--
What kind of balls are we talking about at this point? I'm so lost. This is maddening. Can I borrow that pocketknife?
I think they were always metaphorical balls.
You know, like metaphysics.
So metaphysics is a metaphor for metaphor?
And visa versa.
--and there are seven pool balls to each pool player, right?
Okay, pool balls.
So if nothingness tears apart by equal opposittes, the seven pool-orb-foci--
Ak! Oh my God, how can anyone do that to themselves. This is like way beyond painful. Alright, let me try this again.
--exist because of the seven anti-pool-orb-foci. Therefore...
Wait, what if something goes wrong at the second contact and we want to revise the first second contact protocol? Would we then have a second, first second contact protocol?
No, because once the first second contact is over, we'll never have one again, so we won't need to revise the protocol. The next time after that that we encounter a species for the second time, it will be our second second contact, so we'll need a first, second second contact protocol ready, rather than a second, first second protocol, which would be useless.
Wait, that's funny.
What he just-- wait, you really didn't catch-- Nevermind.
--happens if we all get killed, and no one ever knows that there was a first contact at all. They might think the next contact is the first and improperly call that one the first contact.
In that case, we should call the pentagon to let them know what's going on.
No, we can't inform the pentagon. They only believed we were being attacked by aliens twice before we had to stop playing that joke. They did fall for the human squid story, but nothing after that. No, I'm afraid right now we're all the boy who cried rabid yodling seamonkey. We're so alone, it's so hopeless...
He's almost in tears.
Wait, do you mean wolf?
I never cry_wolf.
Contrivance again. That's so lazy.
Bob, What's cry_wolf?
It's a bad middle school Earth Horror movie of the 155th billenia like the dumb Xangles werewolf frwoa. Judo blinked me back there once and we rented it by accident. I remember the video tape got jammed, and I got this strange feeling like I had to turn the page of reality or something, and then--
Okay, I got it, I think I can use an old technique called psycho cybernetics to change the perception of the pain, and then--
And then the single line of non-dialogue in the entire frwoa uselessly informed the readers that there was a knock at the door, because it would have been revealed the next line anyway.
Hey, is that a knock?
Who is it?
It's me, sir.
Gofer, what do you want?
I--I have a name, sir.
Sorry Jark. What do you want?
Does anyone in here want some donuts? The aliens sent them over, except I think they called them something different, donunuts or something... I think this one's coconut
Ralph, don't! They could be--
Oh my God it's an explosion, we're all dying.
Why would you actually state that?
I'm sure there's a reason.
Pst, Bob, aren't we all dead by now?
I think a few people survived Hiroshima.
Those guys probably hit a level three temporal anomaly. Or maybe someone cast Phoenix Down right after they died.
Then if we're alive, shouldn't we go for help or something.
Sure, but we should probably help finish this protocol first. We're the only ones left.
I dunno, the first?
Okay, I got one off. <<