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WELCOME
MONKEY BRAINED EARTHERSWelcome
to Blorkk (also
known Blork, Blorkkk, Blorkkkkk, ad
infinitum). We're the only other known universe
anybody in your known universe knows about. As far as we
know,
anyway. That is, Blorkk is a neighboring "ku" or Known
Universe, to Okuaka,
what we've decided
to call your own known universe, since by some collective monkey
brained Earther brain fart, you haven't actually named yours.
We
found this quite strange when we learned this from the first life form
of your planet we ever met. Kolphin the dolphin was surfing
what
we call aquatic fracolic vibrations (what the dolphin Water Wars nerds might call a Liquid
Force, connecting local kus like seas and rivers of thought), when one
of our kind bumped into him. Flogg had inquired of Kolphin
what
known universe he was from, who, quite confused, almost replied, "I
don't know." But, being a somewhat witty dolphin, Kolphin
decided
to reply, "The only known universe anyone knows about."
But
Flogg, never having met anyone who only knew about one known universe,
interpreted this as a proper noun; that is, The Only Known
Universe Anyone Knows About, believing the entire name of your ku a
bizarre joke rather than the momentary witty brainchild of a dumb
dolphin. Wherever the wit lay, for brevity of wit Flogg
quickly
coined the acronym OKUAKA to avoid an unnecessarily lengthy
conversation. Hence to date that is what we have come to call
your ku, as you might name your nearby Pluto or Alpha Centauri.
In further encounters with Kolphin, Flogg and the Blorkkans
who
talked with him came to understand his original meaning.
After a
good long laugh, one of our phylors (who had shortened your word
"philosopher" into two sylables for further brevity and wit), quickly
came to Kolphin's--and all y'all Okuakans--defense. He quoted
our
phylo of fracology--which essentially and uselessly points out that
everybody basically does their own thing--in a needlessly lengthy
lecture which only one Blorkkian listening caught the end of: the
single one who hadn't contracted narcolepsy by that point (or
"narly." We've become quite fond of clipping your longer
words,
you see). The
phylor--Plik--has comitted to drawing up an in-depth Earth translation
of some of our more boring phylos elsewhere for any of you Okuakans
bored or masochistic enough to read about them, but in short, his
argument goes like this:
"Life is like a fractal.
All
Being--being some beings' term for all of existence (or at least the
only existence any of us knows about)--is self-similar, vast, endless,
and pretty much totally ****ing pointless. Since this is so,
some
of us spend time calling every bit of everything one thing or another,
some of us just some of it, and some of us who have better things to
do, simply don't bother." You
Okuakans surf through the great sea of Everything--the infathomably
ultimate fracal work of art--naming every little pattern you come
across. "These little white dots are stars. These
bigger
circly thing are planets. This big bunch of black stuff is
space. This giant rodent is called a duck-billed
platypus."
You give names to your plants and cells and yourselves and atoms and
animals. You classify a thousand self-similar living fractal
formations into species and races and genus. This set of
political brain patterns is called Republic, this one Democratic, this
one Just Plain Retarded.
Hence, Okuakans are so obsessed with
naming and grouping every single little tiny arrangement of pixils,
that it simply--and understandably--didn't dawn on any of you to name
the whole damn thing. (Unfortunately, Plik was the only one
who
could repeat this argument later, because the single Blorkkan who'd
stayed awake to hear the full proof of why there was nothing funny
about neglecting to name your whole ku, immediately died of laughter at
the QED). However, as time passed and news spread of the
existence of Okuaka, the argument was raised and furthered by Plik
during an undergraduate Phylo 101 class he was teaching. One
of
the more delinquent students--having popped some sort of illicit
hallucinatory drug--dared the extension to the argument that Okuakans
are to their ku as Blorkkans are to all of existence. Meaning,
that if anybody thought Okuakans were strange for not naming their ku,
then Blorkkians must be doubly strange, for in fact, no Blorkkian had
ever named that which contains a whole bunch of kus. Nor
anything
above that. Nor above that, nor that. And
especially,
especially, no one had named that which contains absolutely everything.
The
slacking class was struck at the lack of classifying all classes, as
were all the areas of Blorkk who began to recieve the news that no one
had actually given the entire universe a name, nor any areas of the
universes below the top but above that which contains all
kus.
Our linguists and phylors--and what you might call bored Greek and
Latin majors--struggled to name every single thing there was in the
infinite span between all the bunched up kus and all of
existence. Finally, a student theorized to live in the dead
center of all of Blorkk--who had been the one single Blorkkian to prove
that pi is one--had a rough hunch that if this obsessive process were
continued to its full extent, the Blorkkan races would finally come to
a general consensus on calling all the kus and all that which contained
all the kus and all that which contained all that and so on, "Xangles."
Xangles.
Existence. Being. Universe.
Space-time. The Whole Sort of General Mish Mash.
Okuakans
seem to have many terms for all that there is, and we had none, so we
finally gave Everything a name, and no one laughed at you guys any
more. All the phylors simply agreed once and for all that
some
people name some things, some people name other things, and
some people just don't think to name the whole whole whole
damn
thing. The term itself came from an obscure subdivision of
phylo
fracology, which had the following to say about the nature of truth, by
which some twist of nature is eerily similar to your Aristotle's
"Metaphysics" to the point of almost appearing to be comedic satire.
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All living things have a genetic impulse to reject truth, and when tied down and
forcibly injected with it, form all the necessary antibodies to reject
it from their consciousness, leaving everyone to happily splash and
mash around in whatever type of psychotic hallucination their whim
lands them in that week. The reason for this subjective
vertigo is
that truth, in its raw ultimate form, is the sum of everyone the
universe who's ever been dead wrong about anything. The
generally
accepted view by anybody who knows anything about knowledge,
is the
extension of the partially true Earth Spaceballs thesis "good is dumb,"
to the extended proposition "Everyone in existence is just plain
retarded."
Every
bored phylor adolescent who begins in their initial quest for the
logical nirvana of ultimate ambivolence, quickly starts to notice the
idiotic conflict between those holding to one proposition and those
holding to a logically conflicting proposition. Since every
single
proposition faces this opposition at some point during the course of
its backing and evolution, they quickly and rightly conclude that
either everyone is wrong and/or everyone is right, and/or everyone is
sort of one or other; given the assumption that it is not
the case that half are nothing less than spiritually enlightened and
the other half delusional madmen.
Thus almost all are innately
pulled toward the half-truth that truth simply depends on your point of
view, then steel their resolve to pursue the study and
exploration of philosophy. The few who cop out are those with
the
lesser epiphany that the former epiphany is so deadly obvious as to
make all phylo as pretty much totally ****ing pointless as the whole
existence
it wastes time making redundant commentary about. The former
simply
half-laugh at the latter, then continue their dive into the study of
the theory of the sum all angles of looking at things. All
angle X's;
all x-angles, or "xangles". |
Thus, given the growing angles that we came to understand you Okuakans
see your ku and all kus from, Plik proved that it would probably make
sense to simply call all of them, Xangles. At this point, Kolphin dared the question of why on Earth we hadn't just
gone through all this the very first known universe we ever
encountered. Why Okuaka, he asked? And all the
phylors
around who'd heard him asked, shuffled their feet and awkwardly pretend
to go about their business, before someone finally informed him with
embarassment that his assumption that this scenario had occured before,
was false. His exact words were, "Well, the full half-truth
is, except for yours, our ku
is also the only one anyone around here know about."
That
was
all quite a few billenia ago. Between then and now, movements
and
cults and bills to congress all emphatically propogated the idea that
to lessen the growing boredom of our entire ku, we should establish a
relationship with Okuaka, so that we can all engage in the normal sort
of stuff that bordering lands or galaxies or kus engage in, such
as mutual advantage scientific endeavors, education, trade,
and,
hey why not, war.
Finally, the general kuic consensus was to slowly initiate
relationships via a few small starer sites throughout the xnet, which
is a big surfable mass of text and images and sensation, of which your
internet is a tiny part. We figure that such a ridiculous
sounding notion as an entire nother universe officially introducing
itself through a lame hundred hit a month webpage, would simply be
shrugged off as a prank; as the same type of bizarre humor of naming
your whole ku "Okuaka".
However, because it can take eons to
manifest collective ku thought into tangible text and visual medium in
your area (similar to the way the light years between your known stars
make travel and even communication very difficult), the difficulty in
communication between our kus may delay the launch of the
full Blorkk website for a few more billenia. Until then,
please
enjoy or not enjoy--or educate or un-educate yourself with--the
skeleton introductory material we've managed to send through to you:
some basics of some of the essentials of who we are and what we do or
think, and some of the utterly pointless nonsense that none of you will
ever give a damn about, in honor of the deliquent in Plik's class who
proved to us all that half-true education only half-matters, because if
one pops a hallucinatory pill, one has one chance in two of becoming
doubly as smart as everyone else in the room. (And also
because
nonsense has a much faster upload speed almost everywhere on the xnet).
There
was supposed to be a picture of the most worshiped starstar in all of
Blorkk on the main page (what you might call a fusion between a
physical hydrogen
star and a lame pop star), but one of the head secretaries in charge of
public relations thought it would be funnier to post a map of a remote
swamp on the 33rd moon of the ninth planet of the last solar system
of the middlemost galaxy in our ku, here instead. Or maybe
it's
just a photocopy of some part of her grumple. No one's really
sure. In fact it sort of looks like a fractal. In
any case,
the feed is live (from some xangles anyway), so just stare at it for a
few seconds or years or decades, and it's bound to shift now and then,
sooner or later.
In any case, enjoy getting to know us, and check back soon.
If
you're really lucky, maybe some really cool stuff will start
happening. For instance, maybe you'll get to witness the full
life
cycle of whole Blorkkian planets or solar systems or trains of
thought in condensed temporal hyperspace, over the course of your
lifetime. Who knows, maybe we've comissioned a huge software
company on your planet to begin a series of Blorkkan first person
shooters to train some of you young adventurers for war with some
looming foe threatening the destruction of us all. Or
maybe Penguin has a dozen writers lined up to create a whole realm of
Blorkk and Xangles fiction to prepare you for the day all the sci-fi
fantasy nerds decide "It's all real!" Maybe YouTube is
preparing
to make
the switch to our basic hypertekica chipzits that'll just let you think
your videos to eachother. Or maybe not. Or maybe
we'll just vaporize your whole ****ing ku just for the hell of
it.
Who knows.
Anyway, have fun around here, but don't forget to have your un-fun too.
As we always say in parting,
HAVE
A NICE DAY
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