:: Brett / Mark / Joe

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Ooo... I feel like we're in space.
We are in space, you idiot.
What's with the dandruff?
Is'e serious?
This is a sci-fi frwoa, I think Joe knows what stars are.
Yah, but'eez had a lot to drink.
Oh, right, 's probably serious, then.
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Why are we falling?
The camera's scrolling downward, Joe.
They have cameras in space?
It's probably a telescope one of the dandruff races developed.
Life on a spec of dandruff.  Trippy.
Did Joe smoke something earlier?
Not sure.  You never know with Joe.
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What's this spooky voice?
That's the narrator, Joe.
Jack Bauer's the narrator?
His name is Kiefer Sutherland, and he doesn't play a federal agent in this one.
Probably something similar, though, yah?  That guy's always type cast.
Actually he plays a mad scientist who betrays the race of man to save himself from torture.
Oh!  So exactly like 24!
More like the inverse.
Right, I got it backwards.
Wouldn't that be "42" then?
Oh my god.  Arthur Dent is Jack Bauer's nemesis!
Actually, Mark, Joe makes an interesting point.  Sutherland's role in this movie is almost the total inverse of his role as Jack Bauer.
Maybe the pressure of fighting terrorism for so long got to Jack and he defected.
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What's this blue stuff?
It's Selson Blue.   Shut up.
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Wow, this tuning sounds like something an international terrorist could use.
Well, Jack does need above average abilities to be tougher than everyone else.  Maybe he has telekinetic powers in this one.
Or plays electric guitar.
Both would have come in handy in season 8.
Isn't season 8 still airing?
I was planning ahead.
Would you two get off 24?
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Why are we still falling?
If I was Brett I'd probably say it's because we've paused the movie four times already for us idiots to make 24 jokes and ruin everything.
Also, the dandruff shamppoo was store brand and didn't get rid of all the stars.
Joe, shut up.  Mark, stop feeding him.  And both of you stop intermingling your metaphors.  Alright, now we have to rewind.  We missed the entire opening narration.
Good, we have time to give our hair a second wash.
Let's use brand-name Selson Blue this time and see if it makes the stars go supernova.
Does Best Buy sell those little waterproof shower TVs?
Shut up!
<REPLAY>
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Almost there...
Shut it.
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Alllmost theeere....
SHUT!  UP!
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Allllmost theeeeree....
FIRE!  MISS!  "Pfah, if only I'd bought a good photon torpedo this Death Star would be exploding and I wouldn't be about to die."
I give up.
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Big tall buildings.  Wow, this is falliac.  I don't think that dandruff was in the type of hair we originally thought it was.
Hunh?
Wow, irony, Joe made a joke that went over Brett's head.
Apparently he can understand quantum physics but not a simple joke about naked penises.
Shouldn't it be peni for plural?
I'm not sure.
Ask Brett.
He's kinda pissed at us at the moment.
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"Right now terrorists are plotting to blow up the falliac spooky buildings we just scrolled past.  My future role in 24 may be in jeapordy if I don't engrain some minimal empathy into my crazy scientist role.  My terrorist friends might be responsible for the death of real time commentary television, and this... was the longest downward pan of my life.
Touche.
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Is that watch gonna pop up fifty times a scene to remind us we're watching a live real time movie?
It's not live, and it's not real time.  And I think that's called looking at your watch from time to time.
I don't know about you, but when I look at my watch, it doesn't fade in at the bottom of my vision, and it at least says "AM" or "PM".
Are we talking about the watch we just saw, or Joe's 24 issues?
I think the latter.
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See, the watch stopped.  The 24 clock never stops.
Can we get off 24?
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Why is everyone dropping dead?
It's probably a biogenetic gas released into the population by evil Kiefer and the aliens.
One scene in without Jack and everything goes to shit.
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Now showing: the Evil Dead!
It says "The Evil", not "The Evil Dead".  A shot of a theater playing "Evil Dead" would just rip off the part in Donnie Darko where Donnie and Gretchen go to the movies.
I was adding the 'Dead' because everyone dropped dead.
They dropped asleep, not dead.
Yah but I'm sure half the people driving those cars crashed when they fell asleep at the wheel or whatever.  Anyway it seems pretty evil to me to release a biogenetic gas into your own experimental city.
Haven't you heard of a concentration camp?
Right, wow, this is definitely a dark movie.
Hello, "Dark City"?
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Midnight!  Season 1 begins!
Or ends; look, time stopped.  Jack would never let that happen.
I think his watch just broke, not time itself.
We'll see when the first commercial hits and we see the bigger clock.
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Ooo, here comes the main logo.
Bleep..... bleep.... bleep...  bleep.. bleepleeplelepleepel... shawahahahwahh.... crkktklikklk....
Right now, terrorists are plotting to--
We already went through that!
But the logo's playing now.  We did it too early.
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Close in on ominous hotel room.
Looks like Jack's taking a nap getting ready for the day.
He sleeps in a bathtub like Kyle XY.
That's Rufus Sewell in the bathtub, not Kiefer, you idiot.  We already saw Kiefer in the city, and he wasn't naked.
Unless he took off his clothes and put on a Rufus Sewell mask.  They had those in Mission Impossible.
Look, blood.  Looks like someone tortured Rufus.
It was probably iefer.  Now that's something he can get away with in this movie; as a ruthless terrorist, he can torture whoever he wants without fear of persecution from the FBI.
Or that "That 70's Show" dad who prosecuted him for torturing bad guys to save busloads of nuns and children.
Touche.
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Why's Rufus all confused?
Holding out on the last crucial piece of information before Jack knocked him out and dumped him into a dirty hotel bathtub to die probably did a number on his mental faculties.
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That's so cruel!  Jack would never murder a goldfish!
Rufus just tripped, you idiot.  Anyway It's not dead yet.  Maybe it survives....See?  He saved it.
At least until someone flushes the toilet.
He put it in the bathtub, not the toilet.
Until some fat guy soaps up the water, then.
Why a fat guy?
I bet this whole film's a set up for Dark Tank: Finding Nemo 24.
Waking up in a bathtub in a creepy hotel lobby instead of Care Bear colored coral reef would definitely reel in the viewer a lot quicker.
And give the kids much more prolific nightmares.
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"Hmmn, are these my clothes or am I supposed to go undercover today as an amnesia-stricken federal terrorist?  I can't seem to remember."
Hey, does Rufus have a name yet?
Maybe we're about to find out if he flips this postcard over and we see who it's adressed to.
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A bright flashy blue beach.  This must be where Kyle XY stole their trippy neon blue intro from.
Flashback to the first three levels of Zelda: A Link to Shell Beach, a time before the game gets all depressing in the Dark World.
If Rufus blows up the correct seven blocks in order he gets to start the game over and play the Shell Beach part again.
No, no, it's a flashback to the coral reef!  Nemo's getting all nostalgic for the days he was a happy fish, and his memories are all mixed up with Rufus's.
I wonder which one murdered this dead hooker.
Must have been someone else.  I doubt Rufus, Kiefer, or Nemo would murder a hooker in cold blood.
And I doubt either has a spiral fetish either.
Rufus is being set up.
Or maybe Rufus is the interregator and that dead girl wouldn't talk, then the trauma of Jack torturing Rufus made him forget what the hooker never even told him.
...Especially since he now has the short term memory of a goldfish.
It's all starting to come together.
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Look, it's Jack again!
What's he doing in a phonebooth?
He's either superman or a time lord from Gallifrey.
Or Suart Shepard in "Phonebooth."
Didn't Kiefer play the sociopath in that movie?
Exactly.  Reverse psychological phonebooth roleplaying.
So Kiefer can either do really good guy or really bad guy.
He makes up for the same damage he causes.
Kind of like Eminem and Michael Jackson.
Or the United States government.
Ooo, those must be the alien terrorists.
"Run away, run away!"
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Our first 24 clock pop-up since midnight!  And still not a commercial break!
Maybe this is a commercial-free city sponsored by Ford.
I don't think the image of people falling asleep at the wheel and crashing their cars is the ideal advertising strategy for an auto manufacturer.
Wait is it me or did not enough time pass to be midnight again?
I think time never continued to begin with.
I told you!  The clocks are all broken!
Or we're on the set of the first season of 24 before its shooting and nobody's gonna put batteries in the clocks until Kiefer, Palmer, and Elisha Cuthbert arrive and everything gets going.
Maybe Elisha Cuthbert played that murdered girl and is already dead.
A terrorist Jack Bauer, a psychotic with amnesia, and no Elisha Cuthbert.  This day's really gonna suck.
Don't forget a forgetful fish.
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Creepy hotel lobby #1.
Ahhh!  The dead people are resurrecting!
What are you talking about?  They're just getting up from their nap.
And they're awaking as zombies!
They're not zombies.  They're walking around like normal people.
It's 28 Days Later except there's only one day, and the reason Jack's a terrorist is that everyone else become zombies and aren't worth saving.
So this is a depressing version of I Am Legend.
This is starting to explain things.
Are you two even listening to me?
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Why's he tossing the suitcase away?
Isn't that standard practice when exiting a hotel you just murdered a hooker in?
And framed a fish for murder.
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Wow, these aliens are paaale.
And mean.
Well at least he didn't kill that guy, just put him to sleep.
"Put to sleep" is just nice talk for killing a pet human who was more trouble than he was worth.
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Fade in on sexy defenseless un-murdered girl, safe at a shady club for the moment.
It's the girl from Ghost!
It's not the girl from Ghost.
Yah.  She's totally gonna get messages from the dead hooker.
No, this is Jennifer Conoley.  you saw her when we watched The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Right!  So this is the sequel, the Day the City Stood Still.
Which explains why all the 24 clocks keep stopping!!
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"Here, Jen, this is the business card of a really good defense attorney your goldfish will need when your husband frames it for your murder at 06:24:57."
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"Jack Bauer, I presume!"
"Federal fish killer at your service."
Hey, when's a good time to throw in some Freddie Prinze Jr jokes?  I've been racking my brain to segwey into one but haven't figured out how to yet.
I've been working on some Dexter jokes relating to the whole serial killer good/bad guy theme but haven't figured out quite how.
Since the movie only just started I'm sure you'll both have plenty of time to allude to every single !@$ing movie you've ever seen.
"Coming to see me for quite some time": translation: Your lobotomized husband lost his mind having a gay affair with a crazy scientist and a dead fish.
At least it wasn't a straight affair with a living one.
Homobestinecrophilia.
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Hmm, what's my name, I never actually figured it out because the opening credits didn't include who the fucking actors actually play.
Would you get off your 24 complex?
Hey, I was stuck thinking Elisha Cuthbert's name was Alexander Berkley for three seasons, I think I was abused enough to work on my 24 anger management for quite awhile.
Since Elisha was already murdered, it shouldn't matter anymore.
Unless she only had a name after dying.
Her name was Elisha Cuthbert... her name was Elisha cuthbert!  Her name was El--
Who's the guy with the mop?
That's the actual killer, the person you least suspect who was only in the movie for one scene.  It's the Scooby Doo principle.
Rufus Seweoooool... Where are youuulll...?!
That was absolutely horrible.
Oh, go tune yourself.
No, it's "shteuune".
I thought it was "tsheune."
No, it's "shrroom".  It's called "shrooming."
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So when does Neo come into play?
What?
If this is a sequel to the Day the Earth Stood Still and Jenifer Conoley's in it, then Neo has to be in it too 'cause he was in that.
Keanu Reeves?
No, Neo, he was in that one.
His real name is Keanu Reeves.
Shut up.  I refuse to fall for your hopeless dependence on a false reality.
Great, now we're back in the Matrix.
I don't think we ever left.
No, I meant we're back to the bowling pin men's underground lair.
Oh.  But it's blue-ish.  In the Matrix the real world is blue-ish.  Inside the Matrix everything's greenish.
Wait so are we in the Matrix or out of it?
Which reality?
How about any frwoa website our own little commentary track is being relayed on?
Sure, that's a good one.
Alright, stop the movie then.
Why?
I have to go take a commercial break.
Hunh?  Where'ze going?
Bathroom or beer is my guess.
Either could take forever.
So check back sooner or later everybody!  The clocks are sure to start ticking again soon!
Stop talking to the audience.
How else are all our fans going to know to come back?
They're probably asleep already.  Ticking clocks have that effect now and then.
"Chink-KUH... Chink-KUH... Chink-KUH..."
"BAHWOOOONG"
And now a word from Ford.

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