kimflo

kro
earBKgen
flu
pik
zer




Xangles 9: Blorkk
Pre-pre-prologue, Earth outernet prose frwoa   

   9   9.101   9.91   9.92   9.44    <<

    Not again...  Gods of Florbb, not again...

    Hey, dude, are you quoting something?  'Cuz that reminds me of something purple.  You know you're not supposed to allude to copyrighted material around here.  It's uncreative.  Bad xangle karma.  Especially in the first few opening lines.
    Another one.  Another one!
    You want another Smirnoff?  I think I can go back to the blink point and sneak one in if--
    You know there are planets that don't even have to deal with Xangles.  Planets on which Blorkk is their very first Xangles book, or novella, or napkin-scrippled poem-frwoa or whatever--"
    I think we're on a website this week.
    --who didn't have to sit through eight metaphysical pseudoscience pieces of crap to get to this metaphysical pseudoscience piece of crap.  Planets where some idiot wrote thirty Xangles books and just decided to start with number nine, because he figured if he published all of them at once, it would increase the rate of global suicides by a significant factor, due to all the people depressed and narcolepticized by all the existential nonsense rambles.
    Rambles?  I thought the idea of Xangles was to be brilliantly structured.
    What possesed a bunch of almighty gods to allow an ninth Xangles.  Were they on shrooms?  Inhaling Frebreze?  Maybe there is no god.  I have proof!  There's an ninth Xangles.  Frac!
    But you're watching it.  You paid for tickets.  You darted right past a hot underagege Florbbian chick to get good seats when you usually spend at least two minutes flirting with them before her football captain boyfriend or professional wrestling mom or dad beat the hell out of you or call security, or summon a 7/4 krforb with Oblivion Death Sneeze to vaporize you.  You'd think you'd learn after fifteen de-rezzings...
    How many xangles must a person see the world from?  How eclectic points of view does the author have to be before he sits down and eats a f***ing hamburger?"
    Ten, maybe?  Eleven?
    Hey buddy, would you shut up, Blorkk's about to start.
    Dude, Blorkk's a frwoa, not a xangle.
    What's the difference?
    Boy, you're not much of a fffan, are you?
    Well, there's actually a story to that.  See, I was having a nice daylight hallucination when I got dizzy from the antipsychotics--
    Mark, those are the blue ones, right?  I forgot to take them this morning.
    Don't eavesdrop, Joe.  Timetravel isn't cheap.  We're here for one thing so let's keep it focused, k?  There's enough confusing toggling of dialogue in this messed up run on Xangles infomercial.
    Focus?  But I don't have my focus pills.
    If you forgot your blue and yellow ones, you can just hallucinate them.
    ...and suddenly I lost my train of thought, and boarded the wrong one, in the wrong direction, toward the wrong ku, from the wrong xangle.  It wasn't that bad because it was just a detour; I was trying to get to the last billenia but then I just figured I'd get there by passing through the first one because from that train's xangle, time is cyclical.  But then the tot it lost it's own train of thought, got lost, crashed, forgot about itself, then called for a cab.  So I got stuck here at the historic Xangles 9 premier stop.
    Well at least time is still cyclical.  Maybe you'll be home by the end of it.
    That's right, I'd forgotten about that.
    ...Look, let me explain the difference between 'frowa' and 'xangle' another way.  Jumper the Mutant Orion Frog--long before his brain cell-killing grot addiction which cursed Earth with Descourses on Method--once put it as follows: "If there's anything at all, then all of whatever there is can be lumped into four categories: Stuff, The Way You Look At Stuff, Non-Stuff, and Rhetorical Comments About Stuff And The Way People Would Look At Non-Stuff if it was Stuff."  So, life is stuff, art is comments on stuff--like any fractal work of art, or frwoa, and xangles, or any given angle X--are the ways people look at stuff.
    What's non-stuff?
    Oh, that's nuff.
    A friter actually shortened "non-stuff" to "nuff?"
    No, I meant "Oh, that's enough."  Blorkk's about to start.
    It never starts.  I was actually at the Florbb pre-premier, and it took so long before it started that the punk dorians actually...
    ...Another one.  Another one!  There isn't even a single film frwoa yet!
    From your xangle anyway.
    I mean god, what a bunch of brain dead, degenerative fluton- infused publishers!
    Which ones?
    All of them.  Every novel publisher or webmaster who's published a gram of this crap!
    I really don't think you can say that around here.  A blinker might be listening.
    I mean, what's next?  Dectaxangle?  Googlaxangle?
    Probably already written.
    Maybe we can do something.  A campaign, a crusade, a new Florbbian girl scout cookie.  How about peach?  I've never had a peach cookie before...
    Hey moron, some of us want to see this.
    Frac off, pal.
    Oh, you did not just--
    It's worse than Free Willy Seven, or an eighth Harry Potter.  It's--
    Dude, I'm going to beat you to death with a pongboard in nine fracking seconds.
    ...I swear, John, if that guy doesn't stop promoting the fad he's trying to start of fusing xangle fractals with the pseudoswear 'frac' of Battlestar, I'm gonna admit myself to--
    I swear, if there's a tenth, I'm gonna admit myself to an inpatient--
    --skix...
    --just want to gnorp myself repeatedly, but I can't 'cuz you die after the first hit...
    --threeve...
    --shoot at an odd angle, but then you might not be able to hold the gun if you--
    --one...
    ...Hey, that guy over there's getting mauled to death by a humanoid giraffafly.
    Maybe we should call security or something.
    No, wait, it's too late.  Gods of Florbb, that's so not right.
    Mod, Jina.  This is really about to start.  I waited in line for twelve days to get us tickets, and we're finally going to experience life from a Blorkkian xangle before we die.  I--oh dear, not a heart attack...  I thought I took the purple pill this morning... okay, this hurts.
    Jino!
    Hey Juno, did someone in here just die?
    I don't think so.
    I think he did.  Should we call an ambulence or something?
    People die in film premiers.  Didn't you see Scream 2?
    Those are fictional.
    But so are we.  We're just players on a stage, puppets in an unpopular children's reading room.
    I never thought of it that way.
    Have you even read the books?
    This is my first.  I can't wait.  They're so highly reviewed.
    By like three local radio stations in our ku...
    They say you can read them in any order, so I just rolled a 1d9.
    Actually, they sort of stopped doing that after book seven.  This one pretty much depends on being enough of an obsessed fan to have experienced the other eight a couple times each.
    Wait, are you joking?  You're joking, right?...
    Hey Jason, pass the gummi worms.  No, the dead ones.  I'm not a killer.  And the--no, not the humidifier... moron...
    Billy what are you-- hey, don't suck that.  Stop it.  Billy if you don't stop sucking that, I'm gonna-- alright, that's it, kid..
    Well, Bucks, we found Earth, and it seems their language isn't much different.  They swear about as much as us when we're pissed off.  Or maybe it just has to do with the word 'fractal.'
    Hold on, Lheev.  I know this isn't a good time, but, there's just no proper time or place to tell you the bad news that not only did I go in for a breast reduction but they accidentily turned me into the the thirteenth cy--
    Okay, I'm giving you eight seconds to stop sucking that.  Eight...
    The other guy over there got nine seconds to live.  Why can't you give me nine seconds?
    Would someone just say &#%$.  Just say &#%$.  I'm at my limit with these fans actually integrating coloquial mannerisms and idiot Xangles into daily conversation.  This just shouldn't be that popular.
    In a million places, it's not.  I hear the Blorkk website is completely unvisited on more than four fifths of all the xnet kus in existence.
    Wish you were here.
    You mean 'there'?
    No, I was fantasizing someone sending me a postcard from one of those kus.
    Hey, some guy over there's ripping a Happy Meal Grornoff away from his kid!
    Oh yah.  Hey you idiot!  That's so not necessary!

    ...Tim, what's a Grornoff?
    Grornoff's a cheap Alsan ripoff.  He only appears a little in the second book.  Or maybe it was book twelve, I forget; I'm on number, lets see, wait, I can't count that high.  Maybe I can figure it out if I start counting backwards from all the manifestations of the idea of the saga backward from infinitely dimensioned space.  I just have to start subtracting limited axes until I get to the dead middle of--
    Six...
    Six!?  What happ--
    Don't even say it!  They say every time someone in Xangles quotes Hitchhikers, Spaceballs, or Hot Shots, a Kroffonian dies, a dorian blinks to chaotic evil alignment, and all the frwoa ratings in the known universe go down a third of a percent.
    What's a Kroffonian?
    Kroffonia's a Fantasia ripoff.
    I read a bunch of reviews before I got here but I didn't catch any of the allusions.  What's Florbb?
    Foundation ripoff.
    Peach Beach?
    Dark City ripoff.
    Butterknife?
    Saw spoof.
    Dr. Septatoke?
    Hari Seldon.
    Genrika?
    Jordan.
    Graffology?
    Scientology.
    Kyle Kirby?
    Donnie Darko.
    Blinkers?  Flutons?  Nanons?  Zeroa?
    Jedis, medacholorians, nanites, Plato.
    Jesus.
    Oh, that's also Kyle Kirby.  Not to mention Kyle XY.  I really didn't get that one, I mean, if I'm going to rip off Jack Bauer and stick him in a lame Dawson's Creek psychology textbook with ten mental disorders in addition to a OTC drug addiction, I'm not actually going to name him "Jack".
    Oh hey dude, no, I read Kyle was named after a real life Kyle Kirby, not Kyle Trager.
    I'd complain that's a plug for that guy's webpage, but that would further needlessly plug a completely useless Earth site that no one on in any known universe including his own, gives a flying damn about.  Nobel prize nominees are just losers as far as I'm concerned.  I even heard that every single one has the innate inability to calcuate recursive algorithms. Though I'm sure Kyle Kirby is laughing his ass off at that one.  It's pretty typical of xangle friters to do that.  If it was legal anywhere in existence, any one of them would probably leave every Xangles fan in the universe to hang on a crucifix of bafflement if one of his friends got a laugh out of it.
    Like that worst poet in the known universe.
    There goes another Kroffonian.
    Wait, which Kyle is laughing his ass off?
    All three.  Pick a xangle.
    What's a xangle?
    Look, Mikk, if it's all ripoffs, how do they get away with it?
    It's called right of parody, Kym.  As long as you make fun of something copyrighted and don't knock it too much, you can graffiti a nunnery with it as far as Earth law cares.  Fair Use Act 2007.
    So if it wasn't for Wikipedia this saga never would have been written.  And there'd be a helluva lot less annoying board posts on YouTube.
    I love Wikipedia.
    I hate YouTube.
    Zipper, did that guy say boardpong?
    No, board posts.  Internet.  It's a tiny monkey brained corner of the xnet.  You remember.  Kyle almost blew up our whole ku from thinking about it too much.
    How could I forget.
    Jym, what's the xnet?
    ...Anyway, the Xangles friters admit that violent borderlined theft of intelectual property is a problem.  They say they're working on it.  Supposedly the next one is gonna be incredibly original.  Losta medium manglers lined up.
    The next frwoa?
    No, the next nine-frwoa saga.
    Bloody hell.
    Hey Jakk, looks like a death shadow's swallowing all of space time.  I'm scared.
    No, that just means the movie's starting.
    Or it could be Vorlons.
    There goes another dorian.   

   9   9.101   9.91   9.92   9.44    <<